A Season of Quiet Stillness

As I’m sitting down to write this, my kids are playing outside. I’ve made a pot of coffee and turned on a couple mini heaters around the downstairs of our home. It is a cold, gray day here in Texas.

Allow me to set the scene a bit further: I have only a couple well-placed lamps on in the living room, natural light seeping in through the doors and windows. It's quiet inside, save for the dishwasher running and the hum of the portable heaters. The smell of coffee permeates the air. See, my husband has become a bit of a coffee aficionado. He enjoys a well-crafted and roasted bean that is ground moments before it is brewed. While I am a simpleton that enjoys most any coffee that can be sweetened with a stevia packet and splash of cream (let that be our little secret), I will admit that the aroma fresh-ground coffee produces is quite nice.

Now that we are all on the same page, let us continue. I’ve been reflecting lately about change. Specifically, the ability of my perspective to change. For so long, I had this idea in my head that the only way I could fulfill my purpose in life and feel like I mattered—like I contributed to my family—was if I had a role that was more than “just” being a stay-at-home mom. Even typing that out feels ridiculous, but the secret thoughts we carry and hide away in our minds usually are.

I tucked away this idea and told myself that if I worked hard enough, I could do it all. I was going to be a fully present stay-at-home mom while pursuing a full-time writing career. I wrapped this idea up in a pretty little bow and allowed myself to believe that I could be everything, for everyone, and thrive while doing it.

God, in His infinite goodness, sat back and watched as I tried to do it all. Allowing me to go down a path He knew wasn’t going to give me the fulfillment I was chasing. I could feel in my bones that there was another path for me. There were tugs at my heart to go in a different direction, but I wanted a writing career so badly that I pushed forward. I ignored the tugs I felt whenever I was in His presence by rationalizing why I was doing so. I told myself that pursuing a writing career couldn’t be wrong because God had given me a passion for writing.

Like a parent watching their child have to learn a lesson for themself, God waited for me, all while never stopping His pursuit of me. His gentle tugs were always there, and though I ignored them, he waited for me with open arms. When the plan I set out for myself didn’t work out like I thought it would, it felt a bit like running into a brick wall. I found that the only direction I could go was toward Him, and He caught me in the arms He had open and waiting. Once I was ready to surrender to Him and His plan for my life, He began working on my heart and mind. He took the thing that I thought I could never feel fulfillment and purpose from (only being a stay-at-home mom) and created within me a joy and feeling of purpose that I have never experienced before. “…at the right time, I the Lord, will make it happen.” Isaiah 60:22

Now, this process didn’t happen overnight. It took me a minute. When you have to deconstruct what you have always believed and thought about yourself, it’s a crawl—not a run—to get to the finish line. The good news is that none of it had to make sense, and I didn’t have to have any answers. I just had to put my trust in the Lord and the fact that He would provide what I needed.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:5-6

I have now come to realize that I am not the type of person that can do it all. For me, trying to build a career and be a full-time stay-at-home mom was too much. When I tried to do it all, it left me feeling spread thin and like I was just showing up long enough in each area to check off that box. There simply wasn’t enough time in the day to do it all well. Once I accepted that, God began my season of quiet stillness. I went from being crazy busy to living a life that was so still it was a bit disorienting. In that quiet stillness is when God began molding within me the greatest sense of purpose and value that I have ever felt. “Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.” Psalms 62:5

I came across that verse on Instagram, and the way that it was written shook me. Here is that translation: “I am standing in absolute stillness, silent before the one I love, waiting as long as it takes for him to rescue me. Only God is my savior, and he will not fail me.” Psalm 62:5—Reading it even now takes my breath away.

I spent a season wrestling with my purpose once God began His work on my heart. I couldn’t see the path forward. When all you can do is stop your own planing and learn to trust in the Lord, it can be scary. The unknown of what is to come can be scary. But the more unclear the path for my life felt, the more I prayed and the more I dove into scripture. Even though I didn’t have any clue what my future held, my soul found peace and rest because my heart was learning to trust God in a new way. “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15

I still don’t know what I’m doing. I just know that I need to continue trusting God. And He keeps showing up. He hasn’t failed me yet. The season of quiet and stillness that I have been in has been a blessing to my life. It has helped me reconnect with the Lord in a new way. It has helped me to trust God in a new way and to listen for His voice.

I believe that God absolutely uses tools to talk with us. He used a burning bush to speak with Moses. It would be foolish to think for a second that He wouldn’t or couldn’t use any media for His good and glory. When the cry of my heart has been for God to reveal my path, my purpose, and to make my life reflect Him, there’s not a doubt in my mind that the Instagram posts I happened to stumble upon from accounts I didn’t follow at the time weren’t from Him. These are the two posts:

“One of the scariest prayers you can pray is that God would bring you what’s best for you. You might have to wait. You might make suggestions that He says no to. You might have to keep trusting Him when things make zero sense. But God knows what He is doing. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows what you need and He is protecting you when He redirects your life. I know it’s frustrating sometimes, but God is always worth waiting on.” —@her.notesfor you

“Nothing is louder than the silence that happens when God is trying to heal you. He won’t let you run to all the people or places that you’ve been demanding save you. He is asking you to look at your patterns and replace unhealthy roots with truth. He needs you to be still until you remember that He alone is what you really need.” —@Ashley.morgan.jackson

During my season of quiet and stillness, something shifted in my mind. The words in my head turned into, “Is raising strong, good, and kind children not one of the greatest things you can do? Children that know they are loved, that know where their worth comes from—is that not valuable? And where is it that your worth is derived? Is it through the things this world can offer you? Or is it through the words, ‘I am well pleased with you, my faithful daughter,’ in the end?” Truly, there has never been a greater peace or greater sense of self-worth that I have felt than when I stopped long enough to look up and not out.

Here’s another one of those Instagram posts that felt oddly specific: “Our God is a living God. The Holy Spirit is always leading and guiding us in every season of our lives. Things that served us in one season may be the things He’s asking us to release in the next…As humans we get caught up in our own systems, routines, rhythms and flows—which are all great—but we must leave room for the Holy Spirit. What is He asking you to do in this season? What is He asking you to release in the season?” —@shespeaksfireco

I’ll end with this: I’ve never been more uncertain about what tomorrow will look like. But I have also never been more certain that it’s going to be exactly how it needs to be because tomorrow is not mine to worry about. God is in control.

xoxo

brittany