So I’m thinking about mixing things up a bit from time to time. In addition to my structured posts, I will be adding shorter, whatever’s on my mind, more like having coffee with a friend style posts. (You know your girl is having a cup of decaf as we speak.) Go ahead and find a comfy spot to sit, and grab your favorite afternoon pick-me-up. (I’m mixing up my usual cup of decaf with a splash of almond milk by turning it into a mocha. Yum!) I’m excited to have you join me on my inaugural Afternoon Cup!

Here lately it feels like I only manage to get my head above water just long enough to take a deep breath before I go right back under. The things I have been wrestling with seem to keep pulling me back under in a never ending struggle of tug-a-war that make the calm surface just out of reach. This process is starting to feel heavy. Maybe this resonates with you too. Or maybe not.

Me Time: I know this is nothing new. (Many a mom has struggled with this.) But I have really been feeling this one lately. Between trying to get this blog off the ground, investing in my family, keeping the kids alive (I say this both in jest and with sincerity. Seriously, it’s an electrical socket…don’t touch it.), other general mom stuff, and keeping the house clean (This one really gets me. It’s a never ending battle, and a messy house makes me feel overwhelmed.). There is literally never time to just sit down and catch my breath without a list of things to do hanging over my head. I relate this current phase of life as trying to swim up stream. Against a very strong current.

Mom Guilt: Y’all, I never thought that I would be a mom who raised my voice. Yet, I have done this more than I care to admit. I also never thought that parenting could be so frustrating. There are days where from the moment the sun comes up, every boundary and every single one of my buttons are pushed, repeatedly, until I feel like just giving up. It is difficult not only to endure the shenanigans, but also to dole out the consequences of said shenanigans. The saying, “This hurts me more than it hurts you,” is so true. It is terrible to deliver consequences that make your child sad. (Especially when it feels like you are dishing it out frequently.) It is exhausting. Other parents of extremely strong willed children, I would love to know what has worked for you. The word “no” is taken as a personal challenge and results in the toddler acting a fool (which brings me to my breaking point). I need to find order in this chaos in a way that doesn’t break my child’s spirit (or mine).

Second Kid: The first year of Lincoln’s life has flown by. It feels like I blinked and my baby isn’t a baby anymore. The struggle of navigating the older child’s schedule and giving him the attention he needs, while making sure the youngest doesn’t get swept up in the chaos is difficult. The start of this new school year has me looking to find ways to be intentional about how to pour into the littlest Wynne during our solo time together. I’m actually pretty excited to have some one-on-one time with Lincoln Jude.

It feels like I have been wrestling with these things alone. Hiding these feelings away like deep dark secrets (because who wants to admit their short comings out loud?). Yet, the moment I got my struggles off my chest, wrote them on this blog, shared them with you, and no longer held them inside, I heard that still small voice. The one that whispers to us when we are still enough to hear it. It reminds me that not even this phase of life is bigger than our God. I simply had to admit that I couldn’t do it all on my own first.

I literally want to roll my own eyes at myself right now. I know this (insert arrow pointing to above paragraph) to be true. Yet, time and time again, my need for control wins over. The Lord sits patiently waiting for me to once again realize that I cannot do it on my own. I envision the Lord watching me like I do Hunter trying to do something on his own that I know he will need my help with. Just like I sit quietly, with a smile, as I wait for my stubborn little guy to ask for my help, the Lord patiently waits for me to do the same. Each time he meets me where I am. Each time, the moment I surrender trying to do it on my own, I am overcome with the feelings of peace and calm. Like I just took a deep breath after the worlds most relaxing massage.

So why do I do it? Why do I always go back to trying to do it on my own? Why do I hold on so tight when the sweetest peace comes from surrender? The truth is, I don’t know. Maybe it’s that I get caught up in the smooth rhythm of life when everything is going good. Maybe I fool myself into thinking that the smooth rhythm comes from something I am doing. Maybe I’m just a fool. Thankfully, the Lord is always right there waiting, with open arms, for me to step into his embrace.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” — 2 Corinthians 12:9